A Prayer for us older folks
and some of life's lessons we can be thankful for.
Senility Prayer:
God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
- I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
- My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
- I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
- Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
- All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.
- If all is not lost, where is it?
- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
- I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
- Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
- Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
- When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
- It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
- These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter....
I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
Here are some more recent contributions to things learned
- You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
- No matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
- It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
- You can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.
- You shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
- You can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
- We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
- 99% of the time when something isn't working in your home, one of your kids did it.
- The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
- Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
- You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
- The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
- Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
- When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
- The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
- If he/she says that you are too good for him/her-- believe them.
- Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, 'Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?
- Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
- If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
- Living well really is the best revenge.
- Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you
- Work is good, but it's not that important.
- And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.