The Outhouse Chronicles

The Cowboy Outhouse

--by John Hill-(Copyright 1997)--

When I was a young man, away back when
We had things that you don't know about...then.
An outhouse was something you couldn't do without
Each home had one near about.
This was a little wooden house down a path..out back.
The door was kept closed by a latch, held with a tack.
Here let say, if the door was closed It was for how long, nobody knows.
This house was referred to as a two holer or one holer
Which meant that there were two holes or one hole cut in the seat
No place could be any hotter, or colder, and it wasn't too neat
When the snow was on the ground and frost on the seat
And in the night you heard the sound of hurried feet
You're thankful, it's not you that has to hurry
If so, down the path you go icy cold...vision blurry.
It doesn't take long (when turned to the North star)
To realize just where you are.
On the seat was a catalog with pages turned down
From this, you took a page with a frown
You took care of the paper work, then up, and on your way
It didn't take long to get back in bed, you hope to stay.
You really don't realize what an experience this can be,
Unless, you could have been there with me.
Well, I guess we had to have this, so that,
We can appreciate today,
knowing where we use to sat.

THE OUTHOUSE POEM

---Author Unknown---

The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack,marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"

The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed,just like a snake Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face. Just like three gals before. She missed the foot log - jumped the stream. The owner gave a shout, As her silk stockings, down at her knees Caught on a sassafras sprout. She tripped and fell - got up, and then In obvious disgust, Ran to the car, stepped on the gas, And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know What made the gals all do The things they did,and then we found The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised To make the thing complete, He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set And then the devilish tike, Would stop his whittling long enough, To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below Struck terror, fright and fear,

"Will you please use the other hole, We're painting under here!"

Boss Employee Model Outhouse

This model of outhouse is often referred to as the boss employee model as two people could use the outhouse at the same time .

To avoid getting dumped on by the Boss an emergency bell was attached to the side of the building. You would pull on a sting to ring the bell according to the present urgency of the situation.

This particular outhouse is very rare. Especially the deck leading right out to the executive level of the outhouse. Usually a ladder is used to get to the executive level.

Oftimes the Bosses level was a two holer while the lower level was a simple one holer. It was not very popular as it was noisy with that darn bell ringing going on all the time.

Smokey the Bear Model Outhouse

Now this looks like a mighty fine model with Smokey the Bear as the chief sponsor. So it must have been hand crafted by a very fine carpenter with absolutely no idea on the importance of certain design criteria for outhouses.

There is no half moon on the door to let any light in so one can check out the reading material or the stars.

There is no ventilation. So it might be good for growing mushrooms or something but not for an emergency sabbatical.

And the audacity of someone who would put a padlock on the door is horrifying. If a person had an emergency sabbatical calling and came to such a situation of a locked door on the outhouse, the door would be busted open in haste and not a court in the land would side with the owner of the facility.

The Specialist

Mr. President and Gentlemen :

You've heerd a lot of pratin' and prattlin' about this bein' the age of specialization. I'm a carpenter by trade. At one time I could of built a house, barn, church or chicken coop.





But I seen the need of a specialist in my line, so I studied her. I got her; she's mine. Gentlemen, you are face to face with the champion privy builder of Sangamon County.

This Little book is a Great Read

I have reproduced this little book in great detail. It has a great story and shows a writing style of by-gone days.

I especially like the part on the logic of why you should make the path to the privy pass the woodpile, for the ladies.

Just click on the picture or check out the story here