Stories
 

Stories of all Sorts
Famous People quotes, I like the ones by Robin Williams and Bill Cosby.
Mariah Carey Brooke Shields Winston Bennett
Jason Kidd A congressional candidate Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
John Wayne Philadelphia! Phillies manager, Danny Ozark Al Gore, Vice President
Former British foreign minister, Ernest Bevin. Dan Quayle George Bush, US President
Lee Iacocca Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra! testimony Colonel Gerald Wellman
Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper Bill Clinton A sports analyst
Keppel Enderbery Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Robin Williams Roseanne Billy Crystal
Jay Leno Bill Cosby Elayne Boosler
Phyllis Diller Jerry Seinfield George Carlin
Lewis Grizzard Jeff Foxworthy
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff,"
-- Mariah Carey [now we know why she's such a sensitive actress]
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
-- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. [it helps to read crime stats when you're stoned]
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees,"
-- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.
"That scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
-- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne [just because they've been here 10,000 years, you'd think they had rights or something]
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia! Phillies manager, Danny Ozark [Danny was never really good at the stats part of baseball]
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Al Gore, Vice President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- Al Gore, VP
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet,"
-- Former British foreign minister, Ernest Bevin.
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
-! - Dan Quayle, VP [I mean it, I really do miss him!]
"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago!"
-- Dan Quayle, VP
"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
-- Dan Quayle
"Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation."
-- Dan Quayle, VP [they made him swim home after that one]
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- Dan Quayle [days like this....I really miss Dan]
"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another"
-- George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- Lee Iacocca [not all of us can afford mink-lined oxygen masks, Lee]
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted ! in furthering that version,"
-- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra! testimony. [Lied. Say it slowly, Ollie....L-I-E-D]
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,"
-- A sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- Bill Clinton, President
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina [right after you call the New York Times]
"We apologize for the error in last week's paper in which we stated that Mr. Arnold Dogbody was a defective in the police force. We meant, of course, that Mr. Dogbody is a detective in the police farce."
-- Correction Notice in the Ely Standard, a British newspaper
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman [and they'll cut off your food stamps]
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man'sgenitals through his wallet.
-Robin Williams
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
-Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
-Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

-Billy Crystal

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course,men are just grateful.
-Jay Leno
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?
-Jay Leno
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
-Jay Leno
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it.
-Bill Cosby
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler
When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
-Elayne Boosler
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
-Phyllis Diller
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
-Jerry Seinfield
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
-George Carlin
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
-Lewis Grizzard
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
-Jeff Foxworthy