Stories
 

Stories of all Sorts
Wise words from Andy Rooney on things he learned in life.
These are written by Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so much, with so few words. Enjoy........


  • The best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
  • When you're in love, it shows.
  • Just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.
  • Having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
  • Being kind is more important than being right.
  • You should never say no to a gift from a child.
  • I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help in some other way.
  • No matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
  • Sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
  • Simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
  • Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
  • We should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
  • Money doesn't buy class.
  • It's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
  • Under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
  • The Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?
  • To inure the facts does not change the facts.
  • When you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
  • Love, not time, heals all wounds.
  • That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
  • Everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
  • There's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.
  • No one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
  • Life is tough, but I'm tougher.
  • Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
  • When you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
  • I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
  • One should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
  • A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
  • I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.
  • When your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
  • Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
  • It is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation.
  • The less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
Andy Rooney on Vegetarians: "Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning
'lousy hunter.'"

Andy Rooney On Prisoners: Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars
a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll
take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have
bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to
criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill
and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in
the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew
what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing,
then saying under their breath, Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners
are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's
hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Andy Rooney On Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the
morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just
wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the
way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood
anywhere near our optic nerve.

Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and
vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that
say "I don't know." It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting
"I don't know." Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone.
(Says into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you
have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy
probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."

Andy Rooney On Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there.
Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would
that be -- Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'?
I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

Andy Rooney On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that
says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother
that way, do you? like entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where
she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

Andy Rooney On Answering Machines: Did you ever hear one of these corny,
positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and
I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day
is: "Share the love." Beep.
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive,
your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."

Andy Rooney on Research: Because over the past few years, more money has
been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's
Disease research, it is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large
number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections...who
can't remember what to do with them.